Dylan Moran
Arnold Schwarzenegger is the Governor of California – now there’s a perfectly ordinary English sentence. How did that happen!? Do you know how that happened? ‘Cause I’ll tell you. You know how he got into that position? He got there … by lifting things.
Now you and me, we avoid lifting things. It’s unpleasant. Especially heavy things. Even a five-year-old child knows this. They go, “No, no. I’m going to put Lego up my ass, but I’m not doing that. No.” He took a different approach – he lifted the heavy thing. And, you know, you lift something heavy when you have to. Piano falls on granny – you lift the piano, because granny has … mixed feelings … about the whole situation.

He didn’t do any of that! He went right over to the heavy thing and lifted it and put it down and didn’t move it anywhere, and then he lifted it again! Hundreds of times. And said to the people who had stopped to observe this aberrant behaviour, “Look at how good I am at lifting the heavy thing … while wearing underpants.”

Now that … sounds a little dim. But it was they who said, “You’re the man. You’re the one we want to deal with immigration and water and taxes and all that kind of stuff.” Now, I think what we need to know is how bad was his predecessor at that job? This must have been someone who came to work covered in children’s blood every morning!

It’s all about how you look at it.