I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any questions. I said “Yes, just one. If you were driving in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turned your headlights on, what would happen?” He said he couldn’t answer that. I told him, “Well then I don’t want to work here.”

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Whenever I fill in an application which says, “In case of emergency notify …” I put in, “Doctor.” What the hell would my mother do in an emergency?

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts but you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child … eventually.

In Vegas one time, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number …

I have an answering machine on my carphone. It says, “I’m at home right now. But leave a message and I’ll call you back the next time I’m out.”

Every day my grandfather made us stand in a little room together, side by side, looking straight ahead for three minutes without talking to each other. He told me it was elevator practice.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

If Dracula can’t see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

Whenever I pick up someone hitchhiking, I always like to wait for a few minutes before I say something to them. Then I say, “Put your seatbelt on, I wanna try something. I saw it in a cartoon, but I’m pretty sure I can do it.”